00:33 
Hello, ladies. Welcome, welcome. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're getting ready for summer to roll on in with warmer temperatures. Spring is finally in the air, and I hope you have something wonderful planned for you and your family in the coming months. It is such a great time of year when the weather starts to change and things start warming up.

01:01
I love it. It's also, for us, like spring, it signifies a new season, a new beginning. Everything starts again. For me, it's a better time of year than the new year. So I am just loving this, really. But, okay, enough of my rambling on about something you're not here for, because today you're here. You're listening to something that we're going to talk about called fear. The lovely old fear. We all know it, and old it really is.

01:31
I'm just going to dive right in here. Because it's fear. What are we afraid of, right? Oh, my God. That was tacky, Kylie. But anyway, fear has been around, likely since the first predator or the first thing ever fell off a cliff. When it happened, the others stood back and went, Yep, let's not do that. Yeah, I think, anyway, we need fear. It belongs to life, and it's not going anywhere fast. And that's just something we have to accept. Fear is here to stay.

02:04
But drumroll, please. What is not here to stay is your response to fear and all the things that make you afraid. And that's what this show is about. I'm going to talk about what fear is, and I'm going to talk about how you make some shifts toward doing things so that they no longer scare the fricking crap out of you anymore. Okay? So, if you've been listening to the show, the few shows that I have, really? Okay, this is number four.

02:32
So the couple of shows that I've put out there, if you've listened to them, maybe you've noticed that I have this thing. I like to explain what things are, where they come from. I feel like having some information just helps us understand how it all works. And to see that most of it, well, it's completely friggin normal. And fear is no different. So I will, I'll do the same thing. I'm going to explain a little bit. I hope you don't mind if you do. Well, you know what? You can always double time or this on times two for speed or fast forward. It's entirely up to you. I'll never know.

03:06
Okay. Fear. Yeah, our fear response. It sits in this beautiful little almond-shaped part of the brain called the amygdala. It's really not very big, but it's like the epicentre for fear and any other emotion, positive and negative emotions, as well as memories with emotions. Google, good old Google, defines fear as an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm. Remember that, please.

03:37
Caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm. And the amygdala is what sends distress signals to your brain and off to your nervous system in response to fear. Your response is then to fight, flight, freeze, fawn, float, or any other F word they've added to this list. But what about all the times when there is no danger, pain or harm? Well, that's where the different types of fear come into play. One of which is the focus of today's show.

04:09
So first I'll explain the different types of fear. There are three of them. There's rational fear. This one makes sense, especially to your brain, because it's rational. It's an actual life or death situation for you or a loved one. One that is an imminent threat. Then there's primal fear. This one makes sense to our brain as well. It's a genuine fear of things like spiders or snakes, for example. This is usually built into our brain, meaning we can be born with it.

04:42
In cavemen times, those who played with deadly spiders got bit and died. Other cavemen went, don't do self, stay the heck away from spiders. It killed our cave neighbors, Sally and Frank. Sorry. For some reason, I have this thing with doing voices today. But anyway, word then spread to other caves, and we evolve to fear spiders to keep us alive. Thank you, evolution, because I'm freaking terrified of the friggin things.

05:08
But primal fear makes sense to our brain. We need it. These are the types of fears that we need for survival. In comes irrational fear. And here's where the fun starts. Why? Because this one makes no sense to the rational part of our brain. It simply doesn't understand it in the fear part of our brain. The amygdala is only about survival. If there's a non-death, non-pain, non-harm threat, our amygdala can't tell the difference.

05:40
So it sees all threats as death, pain or harm. Think about failure, for example. Most people are afraid to fail. The assumption is that your life will be over if you fail. But in reality, you won't die if you fail a test or fail at a job. The rational part of your brain knows this. But we've convinced our amygdala that our life will be over. And so, boom. Fear sets in. Think about doing something that scares you.

06:09
For me, I still get the heebie jeebies when it comes to public speaking. I know. Weird, because I'm doing a podcast. But it's different when you're standing in front of an audience and all eyes are on you. And yes, I'm working on it, and I am so, so much better at it. But yeah, the fear is still there. What about you? What is something that scares the daylights out of you but it's not life-threatening?

06:34
Now, I've never been physically hurt or died, clearly, because of public speaking, yet I get all the same physical sensations. The rational part of my brain is like, what the F, woman, you're not going to die, but for your amygdala. Fear is fear. And all the fear responses get sent to other parts of your brain and body. Sweating, increased heart rate, shortness of breath, an instinct to fight, flight, freeze, or one of the other F words.

07:01
What's even weirder is that the fear state with irrational fear can last much longer and become much worse because we add thought to it. Rational fear and primal fear, they're based on instinct and an immediate threat. Fight, flight, freeze. FFF irrational fear is based on more things like memories of past experiences, false beliefs, and our own intruding thoughts. This is why it can take longer and become exaggerated.

07:32
The fight, flight, freeze responses can feel like they come and go based on well, yeah, how much we feed the fear with negative, scared thoughts. Man, why do we do that to ourselves? Crazy, eh? What's really super duper cool, though, is that how you respond to all three fears can be improved. Even rational fear and primal fear can be improved. It's all about something that's super fancy. No, that's not at all true. I'm not sure why I said that, but it's all about exposure.

08:04
But we're not here today to help you get over your fear of spiders or help you get more comfortable with life-threatening situations. If you want these, speak to a therapist, because that is not what today's show is about. This show is about getting you to do the shit that scares you in order to start doing the stuff you love, that won't kill you in order to start living the life you deserve. Because if you don't, you have to let irrational fear win.

08:31
Now, irrational fear, it can go hand in hand with our inner critic. Last week's show was about the inner critic. Listen to that if you want more information about how they can go together, what the inner critic is and what it does. And I'll say it again, just like the inner critic, you can't get rid of fear. What you can do is learn to expand your comfort zone by doing the stuff that scares you. You can learn to welcome the fear to see what it has to teach you about you and who you are.

08:59
The non-life-threatening things we're afraid of. Usually, these are jampacked with details. You can try to see the fear as having something to teach. You see it as a source of power to the inner workings of you. That's what it is, what you are afraid of. It tells you so, so much because yeah, well, the more you get to know yourself, the better you become at making your own decisions, your own conscious decisions, that is.

09:29
Meaning, the less likely you will be controlled by your inner critic and or fear. I mean, I think that's totally cool. And think about something you really want in your life, but you're afraid to go after it. Usually when it's something you really want, fear sets in. It never sets in when you do the stuff you don't want to do. I mean, when I'm cleaning up laundry from my kid’s floor, or putting floors and or I'm putting away toys or I'm making lunches, none of this I want to do.

09:58
But none of it I'm afraid of. We don't fear what we don't want. We fear what we really, truly want. And there's a reason for this fear. Irrational fear. You can see it as the friend who says, hey, you must really want this or it wouldn't scare you so much. Now, instead of backing down and hiding, look at fear and say as saying something like, this is something new and great. If your inner critic joins the fear party, and it probably will, thank it for showing up, but let it know that you've got this. Now listen to the show from last week. If you need more information on how to do that, I will repeat this from last week's show. When fear sets in, the inner critic will join and then we will start to have that conversation in our head about how much we are not good at something.

10:44
And that will just only emphasize the fear more and prevent us from doing something. So remind yourself that this type of irrational fear is there to let you know there's something you want, something more than you have. Now, the question fear is asked the question or questions I guess it's asking. Are you willing to take the risk? Are you willing to see that you won't actually die? Are you willing to go after the more?

11:10
Or are you going to sit back and watch it fade away? And personally, I sometimes get confused about which one is scarier watching it fade away or going after it. And that's okay. Even time may pass, but life is not gone. You're still here, living a version of your life, but your real life, the one that fills you with love and joy, well, that's on the other side of fear and it freaking sucks. I know, but it feels good when you start taking steps toward it.

11:41
Okay, not good. No, it feels fucking amazing when you start to get past that fear. It does. I mean, yes, it terrifies the crap out of you, but then you realize, oh my God, I'm not dying. I'm not dying. And then it's like, okay, wow, maybe I can do this. And after a while, you do a little bit more and a little bit more, and that fear fades away. You start getting more exposure to what scares you, and it scares you less.

12:12
And this is what it's all about. Taking little steps towards the thing that causes your heart rate to increase. That thing that makes you fear judgment from others. That thing that you know will make you scream with excitement when you start living life with it in it. That is living coasting and sitting in a box because we're afraid of something that's not living. Taking little steps to get you past fear is the exposure you need. The more you do this, the more comfortable you become with the very thing that scares you, to the point where your amygdala says, hey, that's not so scary. And it no longer responds as if it's a life-threatening situation.

12:52
Even failure becomes normal because you learn that it won't kill you. Amazing. If anything, failure will teach you. Now, what are you not doing because of a non-life-threatening fear? What would actually happen if you did it? Would you die? Is this something you want to do? How would your life be different if you could get past your fear and do it? Another thing floating around the Internet world is how our body responds to fear in a way that's similar to how it responds to excitement.

13:23
And it's true, many of the physiological sensations of fear and excitement are the same. Why? Because both our emotions and the amygdala is responsible for our emotions, for our response to positive and negative emotions. So you can also try to tell yourself that the fear you feel is actually excitement. And when it comes to doing the things that scare you because you want something really bad, it's likely a mixture of fear and excitement anyway.

13:52
The biggest challenge in this situation, if you want to see fear as excitement, would be to remove the negative thought that comes with doing the scariness thing. And that brings us back to exposure. The more you confront the thing that scares you, the less scary it becomes and the more excited you get. Plus you'll look back at how far you've come and realize how awesome you are. Then you'll actually wonder what other so-called scary things you can do now that you know aren't actually that you're not actually going to die.

14:26
And then progress is made and you start doing more of what you want and need. Think of becoming a mom. How scary was that for some of us? I mean, like, freaking shocker for me. I was like, what do I do now? But we did it right? And we do it every day. And every day there's something new and scary that we do as a mom. Yet we do it the first day we bring our kids to school, the first day of high school, the first day of a new grade, even all of that stuff to me. Like, my I'm terrified.

14:57
Terrified for my kid. But, yeah. And I think I probably get more nervous than they do half the time. But we do it right? And we don't die. We have practice at this. We just need to shift where our focus is. So what's that thing? That life-changing, scary thing? I double dog dare you to try it because what you're dreaming of, you don't dream it because you don't want it. You dream it because you want it.

15:23
And that's what makes it so friggin scary. So I double dog dare you to try it. Seriously, though, your life, your life can be so much more if you just allow it to be. Sure, we all have our shit to work through, and fear is one of those things, but I truly hope you do. You can have so much more than you're allowing yourself to have. I feel like I want to freaking scream it from the rooftops. You are deserving of all your dreams.

15:53
If you dream it, it's because it's meant to be, plain and simple. You don't dream about the things you don't want. I'll say it again. You dream about the things you want, about, you dream about who you are. Like my husband, he's a pilot. There's not a day that went by that he dreamt of starting a podcast, right? His whole life revolves around flying. He always dreamt of becoming a pilot. And I do not want to be a pilot, so I don't dream about becoming a pilot. I dream about other things, like connecting with women and starting a community of some kind. And that my podcast gets out there and actually touches a few people's lives and helps bring something positive to them. That's what I dream about.

16:35
So what are you dreaming about? Because that is who you really are. That is what you're meant for. Please, please don't let your fear stop you. Go out there and get it. If not for you, then for your kids. Live your life to the fullest. Okay. Like, here I go again. Because it's just I see it every day. How we moms sit back and put everyone else before ourselves, and then when it comes to us, we get scared.

17:03
We're afraid to offend someone, to step on someone's toes. So we settle. And we don't do what scares us, meaning we don't actually live. Well, I'm here to tell you you can, and you'll be so much happier when you do. If you want or need support, I'm always here. You can connect with me on Instagram at Kylie Van Gelder or visit my website, kylievangelder.com. Please share this show with other moms who need some support, who need that little maybe that little extra kick in the butt to get over their fear. And to start living a life of more.

17:36] 
Thank you so much for spending your time with me. And have a wonderful day.