[0:00:33]
Kylie: Hello. Hello. Episode number ten. I am doing this. I made it to ten episodes. I mean, now it's like a challenge to see how many more I can get to, right? Because they they say building that habit and getting to the first ten, actually the first 100 is apparently the most difficult. But ten is already an achievement, especially in my books, because I had sat on this for so long wanting to do a podcast, and here I am doing it with ten flipping episodes. So, yeah, awesome. I'm feeling pretty freaking great today.

[0:01:12]
Kylie: And that's why I feel the topic for today is so fitting because I'm feeling great for what I have done. But had I let something like judgment get in my way, judgment from others and judgment of myself, had I let that get in the way, I wouldn't be here with ten episodes. I think I'm going to say that a few times today, ten episodes. Because it's just when we want to do something new in our life, that's usually the time whenever we feel most of this fear around what other people are going to think.

[0:01:43]
Kylie: And to be completely honest, I flip-flop on how I feel about the topic. It can vary, really, on what I'm doing, but it is mostly when I'm doing something new. And the strategies in this episode have been helping me to move forward. And this is why I'm sharing them with you, because I hope that they'll do the same for you. For me, what it's done now is it's allowed me to do this podcast. These strategies have allowed me to do this podcast, and they have given me more freedom in going out on social media and sharing my message.

[0:02:17]
Kylie: Right now, I'm in the process of creating a workshop for some face-to-face workshop for some women here. Without letting go of that fear of judgment, I wouldn't be able to do these things. So this is what I want for you today, is that you get something out of this show where you think, you know what? Yeah, I can move forward with that thing that I want to do in my life. I can be more or less free from judgment if I implement some of these strategies.

[0:02:43]
Kylie: So the doom of negative judgment by others, it really does suck. Maybe you even have that feeling whenever your kids do something out of the ordinary. Maybe one is dressed a little silly or is having a bad hair day and you feel like this reflects on you. You think people are judging you. And I used to have this too. I learned to leave my kids out of it. Although sometimes, to be honest, they do wear some really strange concoctions of outfits. I mean, where do they get these ideas from?

[0:03:11]
Kylie: But you know what? Yeah, we have to leave them out of it. Our judgment and our fear of judgment belongs to us and no one else. So what I've done in this show today is I've broken judgment up into three different parts. First, I'm going to talk about how we are all a judge. It's not just us being judged by others. We also judge them too. Then I'll get into the details of how we judge ourselves, and in many cases, we criticize ourselves the most.

[0:03:39]
Kylie: Part three is all about letting go of the judgment of others. I think this is probably why you're here. But believe me, you need the other two in order to get to this last one. In all situations, I am a work in progress. I think in many personal development things, we remain a work in progress. If I ever figure out a way to have all the answers and be fully there, you'll be the first to know. I don't think it's possible.

[0:04:06]
Kylie: I think we constantly unfold new things and new discoveries about ourselves in order to bring us to the next step in our lives. But okay, back to judgment. Let's look at the first one. And when we do this to others, first of all, it's normal to judge others. We all judge others to some degree or another. In fact, we are biologically programmed for the safety of the tribal times. When we were evolving, we evolved to know who within our tribe was a threat to our survival and who wasn't, who was good to reproduce with and who wasn't. Which group members were more similar or more different to the overall group?

[0:04:43]
Kylie: This is based on our ability to assess people now, outside of tribal times. The problem is, when we feel insecure in ourselves, we have the tendency to judge others more harshly or more negatively. This also happens when someone is behaving in a way that we would never, ever want others to see us doing. If this is the case, we can be a lot meaner and judgmental about the so-called bad-behaving person.

[0:05:10]
Kylie: And when you judge others, you create negative energy within yourself. This weighs you down physically, mentally and emotionally. And not only that, if you are gossiping about others in a judgmental tone, you're subconsciously telling other people you are not trustworthy and that you're not feeling comfortable in your own skin. Keep that in mind next time you go to gossip if you're a gossiper. Plus, with all the talk about how important positive energy is.

[0:05:38]
Kylie: Why would you want to carry around the negative weight of being a harsh judger? If you notice, you are quick to judge. Here are a few things you can do. These take a bit longer, but I will give you the busy mom version in a minute. I promise. Because we all need that too, as busy moms. So the first thing you do is stop for a second and notice that you're judging someone. Most of these personal development things is about awareness. So once you notice that you're doing it, stop.

[0:06:05]
Kylie: Ask yourself what is it about this person that causes you to judge them? In episode five, I talked about how you might lose your shit on someone who you see as an idiot. You might do this so that others don't start to see you like that person. It's the same when you judge. What we judge in others is a reflection of what we subconsciously fear other people will see in us. You may judge someone negatively because you see something in them that you really, really hope no one sees in you.

[0:06:35]
Kylie: So this requires some deeper digging into yourself and why this person causes you to take the turn for Negative Town. What are you afraid of? This is also why personal development is so so much fun. We get to uncover the things about ourselves and learn to leave others alone. Just like we want to be left alone. Instead of judging a person who you think you know, why not get to know yourself better first?

[0:07:01]
Kylie: Also, try to understand the person you're judging by showing them some compassion. We are all different. We're all carrying our own scars and struggles. Be gentle with others and yourself. Maybe get to know the person better so that you can better understand where they are coming from. Accept that you cannot change someone, but you can control your own behaviour and thoughts. Okay, so that's like the long version.

[0:07:24]
Kylie: Here's a shorter busy mom version to get some golden nuggets as well. Stop judging when you notice you're doing it. First things first, right? Just put an end to it. Say awesome self-awareness. I rock. Great. Pop a reminder in your phone to later ask yourself why this person causes you to judge them so negatively. Put yourself in their shoes for 2 minutes and then ask if you would want to be judged.

[0:07:49]
Kylie: Probably not. So don't do it. It won't create the same results as the long version, but you will likely stop yourself quicker the next time. Remember, we all have our own version of normal. The second part of this show is how we can rain down judgment on ourselves. This has a lot to do with your inner critic. The mean little negative voice in your head telling you how awful you are. We all have one. I won't get into the details here. Episode three is filled with ways to tackle this voice, but it is possible that you also see yourselves negatively. That is not just the inner negative voice and therefore you judge yourself poorly.

[0:08:27]
Kylie: Your own self-beliefs are limiting you. This is where I've done and continue to do a lot of work on myself to boost my confidence and see myself as good enough just as I am. This podcast is a representation of the work I've been doing and it is proof that this shit does the trick. Now, just like when people judge others for the sake of survival, in tribal times, it was normal for self-judgment to a certain extent. Once again, evolution at play here.

[0:08:56]
Kylie: Am I in line with keeping the tribe alive? And that's it. That was the yes or no question. When you now in the present day go off to doomsday in your mind, you're feeding into what society might think. The only thing is, it's not about survival anymore. Instead, it's about your own self-image. How do you see yourself when you see yourself negatively? You can give these steps a try. It starts with self-awareness. Again, like everything does in everything you do, you first need to know you're doing it and then you guessed it. Stop it.

[0:09:32]
Kylie: Ask yourself if what you're saying is entirely true. The answer, by the way, in case you aren't sure, the answer is no. What you are saying in your head is not entirely true when it comes from the negative. Look at where the specific self-judgment is coming from. What do you believe about yourself and why journaling? Your answer can be such a great help here. I am a huge, huge fan of journaling, by the way. If you haven't gotten that from my other shows.

[0:09:58]
Kylie: Writing, writing, writing. It helps you work through so much crap. Next though, on the list, before I get into a whole topic about that, is to be kind to yourself. Always treat yourself like a person who's healing, because you are. If you are doing these steps, you are working to heal yourself. Look at all the great things you have done in your life. When someone says something nice to you, say thank you and nothing else except that this is what they see in you.

[0:10:26]
Kylie: For busy moms. Skip the journaling for now, but I do highly recommend going back to it. All right, so now to why you're probably really here. And it's to learn how to free yourself from being judged by others. And first, I think it starts with the two things I've discussed here to learn to be less judgmental of others and understand why it is you're judging them like that in the first place. And also to look at how you are judging yourself negatively and to try and reduce that.

[0:10:57]
Kylie: We are evolutionarily speaking, we are judgers. So to some extent we can't actually help it. It's about catching ourselves when we are doing it and looking into digging deeper into how far we're judging someone and why, and how far and how intensely we're judging ourselves, and why, when it comes to being judged by others. Some people may say they don't care what others think. And I used to envy these people until I learned that they actually do care. And pretending they don't is what they use to protect themselves.

[0:11:29]
Kylie: And that's okay if it works for them and they can still move forward in their lives. And that's the important thing with anything. As long as you can still move forward in a positive way, then you're okay. It's when it's holding you back, because we all care in some way. We're all worried about being judged by others. Like I said, we're biologically programmed to care. If we didn't care in the times when our brain was evolving over thousands and thousands of years and counting, we would have been kicked out of the tribe and left to fend for ourselves. In other words, we would have died.

[0:12:01]
Kylie: So it's normal to be worried about being judged. It's about learning to not let it stop you from living. It's about learning to get out of your own head so that you can live the life you truly love. And what's funny, and maybe not so funny most of the time, the judgment is usually worse in our own heads. Our pesky inner critic is leading the way with all sorts of negative stories, which only fuels the feeling of being judged.

[0:12:25]
Kylie: What you think others are thinking is not true. You cannot read minds. It's just what you have made up in your head, and it's usually negative. I mean, wouldn't it be so much easier if we were able to make up stories in our heads? Like, when someone's looking at us funny, we think to ourselves, wow, that person must be looking at me, thinking like, she's so awesome. Look at her go, wow, I wish I could do, wow, she's fantastic. No, instead we go like, oh, my God, why are they looking at me so funny? Do I have something on my face? Am I saying something stupid? Right? We go completely different. We go into negative.

[0:13:03]
Kylie: This is also, for me, where it starts to get a bit icky when it comes to social media. Often when I'm posting something, my inner critic jumps in. Once I've start to assume that people are going to judge me negatively, and I make up all sorts of stories about what other people are going to think of me and how they're going to see me again, it's just what you put into your own head. Sure, some of it might be true, but most of it is not.

[0:13:27]
Kylie: So here's what I've learned. No matter how hard you try, you cannot control everything or other people. It was only after three of my five miscarriages that this little star started to set in. It's up to the people themselves to work through why they are judging and if they even actually are. Maybe it's made up in your head and they are more worried about what you might be thinking. If you do the work around judging others and self-judgment, you'll notice you automatically feel less worried about what other people might be thinking because you're not in your head.

[0:14:02]
Kylie: This next thing I'm going to say is a big one. And let me start by saying people will always judge you. Okay, I want to highlight that again. No matter what good or bad, we are programmed to. The secret to letting go is to know who to focus on when you're worried about it. If you're afraid of being judged negatively, it's likely you're focusing on the wrong group of people or on too many people. You cannot please everyone on social media or every one of your friends and family members and neighbours on the street.

[0:14:31]
Kylie: You can't think of it like this social media or other places where people aren't going to specifically impact your life are the wrong tribes. They're the wrong group of people. There are exceptions, of course, like when you're creating a community or if it's for your job. But even still, you do not need to please everyone. Only a select few should have the right to give you feedback and let you know when you're losing your freaking mind, when you've done something crazy.

[0:14:59]
Kylie: What you need to find is your tribe, your group of solid, trusted people. And I suggest this group consists of no more than four to five people who accept you fully for who you are, who you want to become, and the goals you want to achieve. So quite often this doesn't include family members who think they know us from when we were children because they have their own perception of who they think we should be and how they think we should be living our lives.

[0:15:29]
Kylie: Your tribe, your group of people. These people will tell you when you're off your rocker but in a supportive way. They're not cruel. They have your best interests at heart. And they hold the fact that you have goals of your own entirely and you want to achieve them because you have hand selected them. You know they are your true source of guidance. When you focus solely on their opinion and you let go of judging others and judging yourself so harshly, you start to feel a sense of freedom.

[0:15:57]
Kylie: Yes, you will fall back to the other side now and then. I do too. Again, it's normal. At least I'm telling myself it is, because I fall back there sometimes. You just can't help it. That's part of the process. Eventually, you will fall back less and less and you'll catch yourself quicker. That's what it's amazing. The more you do things like riding a bike, the better you get at it, right? All you need to do is turn back to your small, intimate group when you fall back, who will catch you before you fall into a downward spiral of judgment and doom.

[0:16:28]
Kylie: We don't always have these people in our lives, and so you have to go out and find them. Support groups, join a course, start a Facebook group, attend some workshops, anything to connect you with your potential people. Once you do, have your main four or five ready on speed dial, so you can connect with them whenever you need them. When you want to try something new and the fear of judgment sets in, these are your people to turn to. These are the only opinions that matter, including your own.

[0:16:56]
Kylie: Another important thing to add here is that when you feel you're being judged, it can also be that you're seeking other people's approval. You'll know this, especially if you tend to ask 5, 10,15, 20 people their opinion before you make a decision. That is a great way to know if you are seeking someone else's approval. When this is the case, you can still turn to your trusted group, but it's also a good idea to do a little digging work here.

[0:17:21]
Kylie: Journaling. Here I go again. It's my number one go-to for a quick way to figure out what the heck is going on in my head. Set a timer for 20 minutes and handwrite your answer to this question why do I need approval from others? When I did this, it brought me back to all sorts of reasons from when I was a child. That's the thing. All of this stuff leads back to when we were kids, from our experiences.

[0:17:49]
Kylie: When we're kids, we only have a very flat way of interpreting things. We can't analyze things and our caregivers and our teachers and all of the people around us an older sibling maybe, or friends everyone worked with the resources they had at the time. So there's no finger-pointing here. Also not to ourselves for being a child. It's about now taking ownership for it and working through some of those things so you can dig deeper and come out better on the other side.

[0:18:16]
Kylie: I hope you enjoyed today's show. I hope you see judging as something that you do have control over. It is something that you can shift in your life. You can start to judge others less, judge yourself less, and in the end, feel less judged by others. If you have feedback, or if you want to learn more about how I can support you as a coach, please reach out to me on my website, kylievanglder.com, or on Instagram @kylievanglder. And here's something I want to ask you.

[0:18:44]
Kylie: If you enjoyed the show, please leave a rating and a review on Apple podcasts. You can also do this on Spotify, which allows you to leave ratings and then per individual episode, you can actually select what if this episode actually helped you. And then you can type something about it I'd really appreciate it. It helps other moms find me, and it helps the whole internet world know that this show is helping you.

[0:19:08]
Kylie: You can DM me afterwards to receive a special message. Thank you so much for spending your time with me and have a wonderful day.