0:00:33
Hello and welcome back to the show and the very first episode of season two. I hope you have been having a wonderful time, and I know it has been very long since I’ve been here, so I do want to start off by apologizing. Apologizing, for not showing up the way I promised to, because, let’s face it’s, been a while. My intention at the beginning of the summer was to return in September.

0:01:05
And now here we are, the end of November. Although I am not one for excuses, sometimes life happens, and life is happening, which brought me back here today. But also to the topic of letting go, the show’s return episode. Let’s say I want to be honest with you. For a few months now, I have not been feeling like myself. Although it’s been getting better over time, I’m still struggling because there are some things going on.

0:01:35
So for the past eight months, almost nine months, my husband and I have had a few, let’s call them hiccups in our lives. First, and most importantly, our relationship is fine. We’re healthy, and there have been no accidents. I want to make that really clear. It’s more related to something happening with my husband. And in September, right when I was ready to come back, we received some really difficult news, and this became, and still is, a huge focus in our family.

0:02:07
It sort of sent us off on a bit of a spiral, with feelings of powerlessness, frustration and anger looming over us. And some factors are completely out of our control, which is what caused the crappy feelings and the spiraling in the first place. You can probably relate when situations come up in your life that you have no control over, that maybe someone else is influencing, that’s really frustrating you. Well, that’s basically what has been happening here.

0:02:36
I don’t know how to explain it, but when someone maybe repeatedly does something to irritate you, or when you have no answers for why you’re going through the shitty time in your life, it just feels really frustrating. And that’s what’s been going on here for us. While you may be wondering what the hell is happening over here, this is not part of the learning for today. You will get nothing from having all the details except, let’s face it, to satisfy your own curiosity.

0:03:04
And if you are the curious type I am right there with you. I would want to know too. However, again, it’s not the point of today’s show, and you will get no benefits out of knowing. What is important here is how you can reduce the negative feelings by learning to let go. This is what my husband and I have been practicing a lot lately, and we see significant positive shifts. This is also why I’m able to show up again here, because I feel much more realigned with what’s important to me, because I’m learning to let go of the negative crap. And this is something that I have always struggled with.

0:03:41
I’ll admit the words letting go can drive me crazy sometimes. You probably feel the same way. Some people are masters at letting go. I usually want to shake the secret out of them. Like, how the hell are you always so calm with everything? I know a few of them and, well, it really is just not me. I have to take conscious steps to let go. They probably have to take steps too, but they may do it more automatically. It’s maybe more part of who they are, or they’ve just practiced it more often.

0:04:14
And so, yeah, I don’t know. If I think of me, I usually freak out first, which is what happened to me. My mind went on a bender without any alcohol, although maybe that would have calmed me down. I don’t know. I wanted to speak to the head of whatever so I could avoid all the bureaucracy and BS. I wanted to go directly to the source and give their head a shake. But let’s face it, sometimes situations require a more delicate hand, which I don’t always have.

0:04:47
This is where I need to learn to let go. With this often comes letting go of any expectations or outcomes. Because the outcome we had hoped for was not what happened in our situation. My inner perfectionist is honestly kicking me right now. She wants to be the driver of the bus all the time just for saying the words letting go of expectations and outcome, because that’s what it is. You have to let go of these.

0:05:15
And over the years, I’ve become aware that my initial reaction is triggered by an event in this situation, my reaction was triggered by the event of not getting the outcome we expected. And this is when I stop to check in with myself to see what I need. I don’t want to react. I want to respond with a cool head. And it’s training, it’s all training. We have to unlearn our patterns. And guess what answer came to me?

0:05:44
Kylie, let go. And this is what has been helping so much. At first, I was like, whatever. Who says these words to themselves when they don’t know how to let go? But really, that’s what it’s all about. And it has actually been working. I really, really have been applying so many things that I’m going to share with you in the show and just, yeah, well, I’m here, right? So, you know, it’s working. Before I get into the steps I’ve been taking, I want to share some examples of when you might need to let go, because it might be helpful here to hear some of these things. And then you’d be like, yeah, you know what?

0:06:20
I do need to let go. In these situations. When you look at letting go, often you might think of letting go of control. For example, and this is a big one, right, that’s, again, my inner critic or my inner perfectionist is kicking me right now. But in this situation, there is only one area you have control over, and that is you, plain and simple. You cannot control anyone else. You cannot control the weather.

0:06:48
You cannot control an accident, hence the name accident, and not on purpose. You cannot control when you do or don’t receive bad news or lose a loved one. And we all know you cannot control your kids. You can only control yourself and your response to these situations. Something to add here. When people talk about being in control of their lives and go blame others for their problems, this is not being in control.

0:07:14
This is being afraid to take ownership of their own behaviour. Pointing the finger is a way of rejecting control and saying, you’re not responsible for your own life, because the assumption here is that others are responsible for how you feel and how you react, therefore they control you. This is, again, same thing for me. I used to have this really big tendency of pointing the finger at everyone else. That’s often what you do as a perfectionist, it’s never you right, you’re perfect in control.

0:07:43
That’s how I felt, and so it was everyone else. And that is what I notice when these situations come up. For me. My inner perfectionist is the one that initially reacts. So that is a trigger that I’ve been working on to not have her take over and start doing the blame game. And so it’s something that you really need to practice. I’ve been aware of my being a perfectionist for many years now, but she still is in me, and she still wants to take over.

0:08:09
And perfectionism can have positive things, but in these situations, not so much in this area. Part of letting go of control means letting go of the blame and stepping back as the adult, digging into your shit and starting to hold yourself accountable for your actions, decisions and behaviours. For tips on how to do this, I’d say, like, listen on. And to all of my previous episodes, lucky for you, there are only 16, so it’s not so bad. I also talk about perfectionism in some of them, so that might help you as well. If you notice that you struggle with blaming other people or, you know, people who do, then maybe you can show them some compassion because they’re still struggling with themselves.

0:08:51
But we’ll continue with the show now. So letting go could also refer to letting go of a feeling. Sometimes you might want to hang on to your anger or sadness, for example. And this is also something for me, wanting to hang on to that anger. Whenever I am ticked about a specific situation. And this is perfectly normal, or at least I’m telling myself it is because I do it, I don’t know. But when you hang on to anger, you likely feel as though you are in a powerful state.

0:09:18
Like if I stay pissed off at you and let you and everyone else know and hold this against you, then I’m the one in control and in charge. While you may feel this way, this isn’t the case. Holding on to anger puts the other person or people in control of your emotions. Holding on to anger only fills you with toxicity and poison. Literally. You fuel your body with or you fill your body rather with Cortisol, the stress hormone.

0:09:48
And you cause your body to respond negatively, maybe with knots in your shoulders or difficulty sleeping. The other person is likely not impacted at all. And let’s be clear here, this isn’t for the one-off time that someone ticks you off. We all have those moments. This is when everyone and everything ticks you off and you can’t let go of what someone did. Also, being filled with anger or rage even poisons your mind and energy levels. It takes you further away from your goal of being happy and living a fulfilled life.

0:10:26
Do you ever notice that when you’re so ticked off at someone, you may drag a little bit a few days after you’ve calmed down, you may feel heavy, you may feel a bit more tired, because it takes so much energy to be fueled with that, that your body has nothing left. After that, that feeling of being pumped up eventually goes away. Plus, all of this spreads into your household and the mindset of your children, even if you never talk about it in front of them.

0:10:53 Kylie: Negative energy is sensed and absorbed very, very easily by our mind and body. This is because we are evolutionarily programmed for danger. Kids more so than adults because they are sensing magnets. It’s how they learn about their environment. Rage, anger, stress, these are all signs that danger is around us and our subconscious mind will automatically pick up on it. So mama, if you don’t want to let go of anger you have for the person who repeatedly ticks you off, try to let go of it for your kids.

0:11:27
But I also know there are situations when it’s really hard to let go. For example, when it impacts your kids. The situation I’m in right now, we are protecting our kids from. But if it keeps going, it will eventually impact them. I also know that for so many of my clients. I hear about how an ex-partner, the father of their child or children, is not putting the kids first. And this can be extremely frustrating to see your kids repeatedly impacted.

0:11:55
You might want to work on helping them to learn to let go as well. And I’m not saying it will work like magic. I’m just saying it’s a way to show them that there are alternatives to how they may be feeling as a result of someone else’s choices that they cannot control. It might help you to work on this with them as a form of maybe deeper connection. But yes, I know when it comes to our kids, things are sometimes easier said than done, especially if you have teenagers at home. But at the same time, it might be worth a try to help them see another perspective and maybe help you gain some of the calm that you need in your life and to let go of some of the anger and frustration.

0:12:34
There are other feelings you might want to consider letting go as well. For example, sadness, because sadness can also spread sometimes when someone passes away. For example, you may want to hang on to sadness out of guilt. If you stop being sad, you might feel you lose a connection with that person. Why should you feel happiness now that they’re gone? And letting go of sadness and anger, actually, for that matter, opens you up to love and connection.

0:13:02
When you let go of sadness, your memories of that person will flood in and become a way for you to connect with them on a deeper level, even though they’re no longer physically with you. When it comes to letting go, all too often I hear people say things like, just let go, accept it and let it go. In theory, this sounds super easy, just like rock climbing sounds easy climb a rock right until you actually try to do it.

0:13:29
Luckily, letting go isn’t as hard as climbing a rock. At least I’ve never climbed a rock, so I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s as challenging. You can do it much more in the comforts of your own home, letting go rather than going out and attempting to climb a rock anyway. There is one thing that you need to do to take along for the ride of this whole letting go. You need to be willing to let go, including being willing to release your expectation or release a preferred outcome.

0:14:00
If you are not even willing or willing to at least try, then you’re not going to get very far. The steps I’m about to share with you are not mine. The first five come from David Hawkins, who wrote a book called Letting Go. I don’t know, is it just me? Because I find the title sort of gives it away. I will also share two other things that you can try that I’ve been using that I find really helpful. So I’m using the three of them as a way to reflect and let go.

0:14:29
But I will also I think this might help you, too, because maybe this will show you there are multiple ways to do things. I’ll also share with you what my husband’s been doing to work through everything his steps have been or are different than mine. So, yeah, maybe you can mix and match and figure out whatever works for you. I do recommend trying something if you notice you need to let go, even if it’s just one of these.

0:14:55
Otherwise, if you don’t, you’re deciding to hang on to a struggle rather than choosing for a struggle that might feel uncomfortable, but in the end actually help, right? If you hang on to your anger or your sadness or you attempt to try and control everything, you’re not going to get anywhere. It’s only going to bring you down. I’d say choose for the harder option of maybe being actually able to release it and move on with your life.

0:15:21
All right, here we go. Have your pen and paper ready. Hit pause. Whatever you need to do, come back to the show. But I’m going to give you the steps from David Hawkins first, and then I’ll give you the other two things that I’m working on, which, by the way, I just found on Google. One of them I found on Google, and the other one is just something that I have been doing ever since I had my miscarriages.

0:15:42 Kylie: So I will give them all to you. Here we go, the steps from David Hawkins. First, ask yourself what you’re feeling. It could be anything. Guilt, shame, frustration, anger, powerlessness, a need for control, whatever. With this feeling or these feelings in mind, sit quietly for one to ten minutes. This is the part that tends to be the hardest at the beginning if you are not used to giving yourself time to sit quietly and get to know yourself.

0:16:11
Okay, so you do have ten minutes. Because how often do you just sit and think over and over and over and over and over again about the shitty situation? We’ll use that time instead to try and let that shitty situation go. Number three, without blame. No pointing the fingers here. Also, not at yourself. Ask yourself if you can allow this feeling to be there. Can you allow it? Can you open yourself up to simply feeling the feeling without judgment or blame?

0:16:44
Are you feeling any resistance towards the feeling? If so, that’s okay too. Add this feeling to your ten minutes of sitting quietly. There is no judgment for the feeling. Feelings come up and you just allow them to be there. These are a sign that you need to investigate why they are there. So be kind to yourself instead of resisting a feeling. Also like, I don’t like feeling anxious, I don’t like feeling angry. Why am I angry, trying to push it away, you will end up actually thinking of it more. It’s like that whole thing about don’t think of the pink elephant and then you end up thinking of a pink elephant, right?

0:17:21
So just welcome the feeling, open up to it. See what it has to tell you. Number four, is there a willingness to let this feeling go or these feelings? In other words, could you let it go? And number five, would you let it go? Ask yourself this question so what are you feeling? Sit with it. Can I allow this feeling? Could I let it go? Would I let it go? And that’s it. There’s no poof, it’s gone. There’s no ignoring it. There’s no resisting it.

0:17:55
It’s just a willingness to let go and open up. This is something you can do every day or once a week. It helps to practice with the feelings you know are on repeat. For example, if it’s anger or sadness or whatever it may be, or resistance, right? Trying to resist feeling a certain way. You can practice in the moment by openly asking yourself these questions or you can set aside time to write your answers down.

0:18:21
I do both as needed. In some situations, it’s more about letting go of the story you have on repeat rather than letting go of a feeling. So keep this in mind as well. If this is the case, go through the same steps by asking yourself if you are willing to let go of the story. Often it’s when thinking of the story that the feelings come up. So it’s the story first, then the feelings. So you may want to work on also trying to stop yourself from focusing too much on the story.

0:18:49
But see if you can let it go. I know you probably want a quick fix, but life doesn’t work that way. Every wound needs time to heal and you need time to learn to let go. It’s the same thing. It doesn’t happen overnight. We’re not a one hit wonder here. You need to practice these things, just like learning how to ride a bike or learning a new way of working when you join a company. All of these things, it all takes practice.

0:19:15
Another thing that’s been helping me a lot, actually, is taking a look at what’s important to me, more specifically, my values and how I can live more into these values. Your values are so important to help you set your boundaries, for example, but also to help you decide how you want to be living your life. If you don’t know what your values are, one way to find out is to do what is called a funeral exercise.

0:19:43
You can also call it a retirement exercise if you don’t want to think about your funeral. But I use the funeral exercise because I find it just gives like a little bit more perspective for me when I’m gone. When I have no other opportunity to change anything. So what you want to do is imagine that you are watching your funeral or your retirement party. What are people saying about you? How would they describe you?

0:20:07
Think about things like what you stood for, how you acted and what you did. This should be from their perspective, from the other people who are present at these events or this event. Although you can’t know other people’s thoughts as much as we would like to, right? Sometimes or maybe not, you can’t know their thoughts or feelings. Just kind of like imagine what they would say about you based on your interpretation of how they see you. Now, what are the key topics that come up? Words like kind-hearted, honest, determined, family-oriented, adventurous, funny, risky, whatever.

0:20:45
Or risky, you risky. I should say risk-taker. I know a few ladies out there who are listening and would laugh while answering with the word what topics come up? And they would say bitch. And we will just call this assertive, right? There’s nothing wrong with being an assertive woman. These are just, by the way, a few of hundreds of possible values. Now check in with yourself to see if they are actually how you want to be remembered.

0:21:13
Maybe you have another value, like success, connection, hard-working, ambitious, people-focused, or whatever. Google for a list of these and see what feels right to you. Like I said, there are hundreds of them and you can even rank them once you’ve discovered, say, your top five or ten values, or maybe even 20. If you have 20 values written down, rank them from very important to me to a little bit important to me.

0:21:39
And then pick your top, I’d say five to ten and then narrow it down to your top three. And for instance, if you have three but you notice that some of the other five or ten that are lingering in the other pile can fall under one of those three, then do that. Like for example, take connection. Maybe then you can put in their family, friends and networking. That can be your main thing, your main value of connection with those three kind of subcategories underneath it. And that’s fine as well.

0:22:11
Now ask yourself if you are living into these values. Are you living a fear-based life or a value-based life? If you want to let go, it helps to be living according to your values, what is important to you? And if anger is not one of your values, or if sadness or control are not one of your values, that’s where you need to learn to let go. And I’m assuming for many of us, those are not part of what we want to live for.

0:22:41
That’s not how we want to be viewed in our life and that’s not how we want to feel in our lives. Once you have these, you can just check in with yourself regularly to see if you are doing just that, if you’re living into them. If not, that’s a good time to ask yourself why. And that’s what I discovered after I did this, that I really wasn’t living into the values that are important to me. And so that’s when I started thinking like, what do I need to do here to realign myself, to get going with my show and with connecting with women and just feeling better in my mind and body and doing the value exercise really, really helps to remind myself of that and checking in regularly. This is something I do basically on a weekly basis, is to check in with myself.

0:23:31
The third thing that I am doing to help let go is to look at what I can learn from a situation. This, by the way, is something that I do every single time a shitty situation comes up or every single time that I am reminded of the shitty situation we’re in. And it helps so much to look at the positives and be grateful for them. This is what I learned when I was going through my five miscarriages and struggling with infertility, was to constantly look at what I can take away as a good thing from the situation.

0:24:04
If you listen to my welcome episode, you know, it took me at least three miscarriages first before I had that shift in perspective, but it makes such a difference. So questions I ask myself are things like is there a place I still need to develop? What takeaways can help support my growth? What daily benefits am I having because of the situation we’re in? And you know what? There are some. That’s the amazing thing.

0:24:34
Even just looking at where I need to develop, learning to let go, that is something that will come in so helpful to me for the rest of my life. And it is this shitty, shitty situation that has taught me that. So there is always light if you look for it and if you’re open to looking for it. So there are always benefits. That just came to me, by the way. So I’m really happy about that. There we go. Learning.

0:24:59
Great. I will stop with my rambling and I will also now give you urune steps. Because like I said, his are different to mine a little. Well, yeah, no, his are different to mine with the exception of one thing and that’s journaling. But the rest are pretty different to mine. So what he is doing is he is getting up earlier than the rest of us. I’m so not a morning person. He’s not really either, so kudos to him for doing that. He’s getting up earlier than the rest of us, and he is doing mindfulness meditation every morning, which is something he already did quite regularly, but now it’s really ingrained in him almost.

0:25:37
And then he is doing a morning yoga routine and calisthenics those are his main things, together with the journaling. So it’s that plus the journaling. And he’s also really upped his nutritional, like his healthy foods, really. I mean, we’re already conscious of it here in this house because food influences your mind so much, just like it influences your body. Garbage in, garbage out kind of thing.

0:26:02
He’s just really paying attention to it right now a lot more than, say, we normally do. And there you have it. You can either kick a wall or beat your head against a brick one every day, or you can try to let go, learn and grow from whatever shit situation you’re in. Maybe I can rephrase that a bit better. Do you want the pain of hitting your head against a brick wall? Or do you want to take the hard and sometimes painful steps of learning to let go?

0:26:29
As they say in the personal development world, choose your hard brick wall or steps to let go. Even trying them is like better than remaining in the same state of negative feelings. Give yourself a ton of credit for that. Do not expect overnight sensation. It doesn’t work like that. It’s not easy. No, but it is worth it. It helps you to see the brighter side of life. It helps you release stress. It helps you create more room for self-discovery and connection.

0:27:02
Yes, there are days when I am crying, angry and frustrated, sure. But using these techniques, I have learned to flip things around. I want to use this shit as an opportunity to reassess what’s important to me and to teach me about letting go. I am also wondering how many times I’ve said shit in this episode, but I think it’s a lot because that is basically what I’m in the middle of. But being able to show up again, I would say that this is all working.

0:27:30
It’s all about choosing a path that is aligned with who you are and who you want to be. Life is too short to let external factors decide for you, no matter the situation. There are life’s unavoidable pains, like the situation I’m in, for example, or perhaps a situation you’re in. And then there is your choice of the pain you take in response to the unavoidable hitting your head against a brick wall or learning to let go.

0:27:59
I hope this show has helped you realize that it is possible to let go and move forward on a more positive path to your one and only life. If you or someone else you know wants to practice letting go and you find it a little bit difficult, no problem. You can connect with me on Instagram at Kylie Van Gelder or check out my website, kylievangelder.com. Remember to share this show with other mamas who are in need of more.

0:28:22
Thanks so much for listening and have a wonderful day.