[0:00:33] 
Hello. Welcome to today's show. I hope you're doing great. Thank you so much for being here. I assume you're here because you want to get right into the topic of the day, beating the bad mama blues. So I'm not going to be around the bush. That sounds terrible now, using that word twice. But anyway, honestly, I didn't know what else to call it. It really is a feeling of being blue.

[0:01:05] 
Things like feeling sad and lost and guilty. You may even feel ashamed sometimes. Wow. I'm like 30 seconds into this episode and I've already brought up the two words guilt and shame. It feels like it might be a bit too early. Yeah. These are big things that may come up for you as a mom, and I'll talk about them a little more in a few minutes. I won't get into the details so early in the show. We'll get warmed up first.

[0:01:32] 
But let's face it, not being a bad mom, being a mom is hard work. It can be stressful at times. There are days when I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions and I just can't take it anymore. And then I question if I'm doing this whole mom thing right. I just feel like the bad mom blues is an important topic and something maybe that we don't talk about enough. I mean, we all know this, and maybe if you don't, the next thing I'm going to say for some of you may be a shocker. I highly doubt it, though.

[0:02:07] 
Motherhood is not always rainbows and unicorns. You can tell I have a daughter, right? My little Ella-boo. But there are some really, really tough, hard, bad days. And as a mom, you might even take this on and question your ability as a mother. So my hope is that by the end of this show, you realize bad days, tough situations, and stressful moments don't make you a bad mom. And sure, you can influence these, but some things just happen.

[0:02:36] 
Life is life. If you sometimes think you're a bad mom or you have ever thought this in the past, or if your kids are older and you wonder if you were a bad mom, you're not alone. I see it in myself. I hear it from friends and clients. When you become a mom, everything is new. Your body has, like, changed dramatically. Really? Yeah. Wow. And suddenly this tiny, helpless being is fully dependent on you.

[0:03:03] 
I've heard, like, many women talk about losing their identity and feelings of being trapped as a mom. And I know I struggled for a few years with this. My kids are young, so it's like half their life. Basically, I struggled with identifying as a mom. And it sounds funny, yeah, because it was half their life, but I think it's completely normal. We don't always realize what we have to take on as a mom.

[0:03:27] 
We instantly need to be someone we've never been before. In my case, while it took many years and losses before I was graced with my miracles when my son was born, I didn't have that pink, fluffy, cloud feelings that some women talk about that you see in movies. Part of me didn't even realize I was a mommy. This okay? Yeah, sure, this may have been self-protection because of the losses and stuff. That a little wall of self-protection that I built up.

[0:03:56] 
Or simply that we're all different and experience things differently. I've heard of other women talking about this, too. Not just women who have experienced losses, but other women have talked about not having that pink, fluffy, cloud feeling. Combine all of this together, and it's no wonder we have the occasional bad day or situation that we later question when we first become a mom. No one shows us how to be a mom.

[0:04:20] 
I personally, I didn't realize how consuming the mommy title would be. First of all, I adore being a mom. It's brought so much love into my life, love I didn't even know I was capable of. But there are days when I'm like, oh, come on, why can't I get this right? And also days where I have to realize that I am also more than just a mom. I cannot be everyone all the time, all at once. And there are days when I need to sort of take off the mom hat and set it aside. And I mean, of course, then my kids aren't around, but that can also be hard sometimes. And there can also be times when you feel like, is this bad of me to choose to not be a mom in this moment?

[0:05:00] 
I mean, let's face it, though, too. There are some egg mega tough days, and these can cause the bad mama blues. There are those days when we in those moments, we can't be the mom, right? We need to be another role for ourselves or for other situations. And it may also cause us to feel, yeah, like a bad mama. Again, I'm right here with you. And so many other women are, too. Actually questioning if you're a bad mom likely means you're a great mom.

[0:05:29] 
Why? Because you're worried about it. You're worried about not being the best version of your mummy self, and that's why you're so great. Sure, you've let your kid fall asleep on the couch at a party and it's 11:30 at night. He'll survive. And lucky him for being able to fall asleep anytime, any place. Like I'm laughing because it makes me jealous. He knows how to take care of himself and he knows he's tired and goes to sleep.

[0:05:52] 
Great lesson, mom. Okay, this one also touches close to home here. You had three glasses of wine last night, maybe four, and don't want to move from your bed. Now your kids are glued to the TV and we'll be for the next hour or two. They're distracted and happy and you'll feel better after more sleep, which means you'll have a good day. It's a win-win. And another one, actually for me. Here you have the flu.

[0:06:21] 
So it's pizza for dinner four nights in a row. Who cares? By the way, like I said, this is personal. Here. This one. This was me a few weeks ago and my husband was away. It happened. They ate. They're fine, and they loved it. Actually. None of these are going to leave a lasting impact on your child. Yet often I hear women question if they made a bad mom decision because of things like these. Unless you're physically, mentally or emotionally abusing your kids, they're good. And you are a fantastic mom.

[0:06:53] 
If you're experiencing the bad mom blues, what you're feeling is likely some guilt. And there's nothing wrong with a little guilt when it's there to help you check in with yourself, when it comes from you and not from someone else, making you feel guilty. And believe me, the examples I mentioned here are nowhere near bad mama material. These are... you're-a-person-too-and-you-deserve-to-have-fun-indulge-occasionally-and-be-taken-care-of material.

[0:07:21] 
Oh, I wish I would have been taken care of whenever I had the flu, honestly. Yeah, but anyway, that's a whole other ball of or can of worms. Let's just assume you do carry some guilt and that it comes from you. You feel guilty for some things you did in the past or 10 seconds ago with your kids or with anyone. But let's just stick with kids. We've all been there when it comes to our kids. Believe me.

[0:07:45] 
This is part of growing as a parent. As a mom, we have to learn this role at every stage and every year comes with new experiences and situations. Again, no one teaches us because everyone experiences the world differently. You as a mom, get to work out what's best for your family. It's a heavyweight title that we're constantly wearing. When you make a mistake and you feel guilty for it rather than seeing it as guilt, this guilt is a bad thing. Try to see it as a good thing.

[0:08:13] 
Kind of twisted here, Kai. But you feel bad. Good. Might even sound more twisted now that I hear myself saying it. Now you can learn from it, though, and accept that what you're doing likely isn't actually that bad. The things I mentioned earlier, none of these things are going to leave a lasting impact on your child or children if all of your kids fell asleep on the couch at the party. On the other hand, if you're feeling like a bad mom for doing something that may leave a lasting impact, this is where you need to put in the work.

[0:08:47] 
It still doesn't mean that you're a bad mom again, not at all. If you are not physically, mentally or emotionally abusing your kids, you're a great mom. I'll just repeat that one. And though I just want to point out if you are doing any of these things physically, emotionally or mentally abusing your kids and you're listening to this show, please seek professional help in order to bring the most to your life and the life of your children.

[0:09:13] 
But let's get back to the show here because I'm not here to focus on that. If you're feeling like this lasting impact, this something that you did and you're feeling, it really deep to you, within you, what you may be feeling here is shame. And this is different than guilt. There is a difference between guilt and shame. When you feel guilty, you see it as you have done something wrong. When you feel shame, you see it as you are a bad person.

[0:09:39] 
There is something wrong with you. This feeling hits deep into the core of who you are as a person, as a mother, you question whether or not you are a good mother rather than, oops, I just made a mistake, a bad mom decision. Did I just make a bad mom decision? I hope you see the difference here. Guilt is like the decision you made was wrong, and shame is you are wrong. There's something wrong with you.

[0:10:07] 
And if you are feeling shame, something like this, you need to do deeper healing work. And I suggest you reach out to a therapist or shame expert. I'm hoping to have a guest on the show at some point who is a shame expert and that can help us dig more into this very important topic. I am not qualified to dig into shame, and I don't want to do it here. I just hope that you can understand the difference. Guilt.

[0:10:32] 
It's okay to feel guilty as a mom, as a parent, as a woman, to a certain extent, as long as it doesn't tear down who you are as a person, and as long as it's not coming from someone else. If it's tearing down who you are as a person, it is shame. And I highly suggest you get some help with that. And if it's another person, well, again, I think that's a whole other topic for another show. Just remember, you're a human being and like all humans, you are allowed to have tough days.

[0:10:59] 
Yeah, I mean, we have to give ourselves some credit we do amazing things. We are just phenomenal beings. Women, moms, we are just yeah. So the point here is just forgive yourself for whatever it is that you done on that tough day rather than beat yourself up. You are not a bad mom if you constantly have your child's best interests at heart and work to achieve this by healing and growing. I mean, again, if you sleep in and the kids watch TV longer, that doesn't even tick a box on the bad mom thing. Okay?

[0:11:33] 
Yeah. But anyway, let me tell you though, I have been a busy bee in the mommy growing department. I still have work to do, but it is so worth it. Just recently, for example, my son Kaden, who is almost seven, asked me the other day about a time when I was upset at him. He was three years old. He knew his age and so did I. He has a memory like an elephant, but it's still in there. Kids often remember the times when you got angry at them, even if it's years later. And I got angry at him and it was not his fault. It rarely is the other person, by the way, but I was having a bad flipping day and poof, it was too much for me.

[0:12:14] 
I did apologize at the time and I gave him a ton of hugs, but clearly this still needs some work. He really remembers this thing and I feel like it made a lasting impact on him. And that, for me, create even thinking of it now brings up those feelings of guilt. And that is a time for me to check in and say, what is it here that I need to do? And what does he need in order to heal? But also, what do I need?

[0:12:41] 
Right? Because guilt is something signed for us to check in with ourselves. What do I need to learn here? And you can do this. And even if your child doesn't remember a specific incident, but you know, it's left a lasting impact, it is still in their memory because it's left a lasting impact. Their mind stores anything that impacts behavior, good and bad, positive and negative. Although, yeah, we tend to hold on to the negative more. Yippee, the negative. It helps us navigate the world we live in and we learn what isn't isn't acceptable.

[0:13:15] 
What not to do, basically, is a quick way for our brain to learn, even though it's not always the most supportive way for our brain to learn. And it's the same for you when you were a child. And now in your subconscious mind, you still have all these times when you laughed until you peed, those positive memories that impacted your behavior, along with the times when you felt afraid as a child, those negative things.

[0:13:36] 
And again, if it made an impact, it's in your brain now. If you remember a time when you have overdone it with one of your kids. It's okay. You're not perfect. Welcome to the club. We serve champagne. You can still apologize to your child and talk about the event. There's nothing wrong with that. What you're doing here is letting your child, the child inside them, their memory, know that you're sorry and that you regret it and you want to repair it with an apology and a ton of hugs.

[0:14:08]
If you have teenagers now and you're apologizing for something that happened when they were younger, they may not let you hug them so much. But the words themselves can do magical things for the child inside them who holds on to the memory. Then, if you want to repeat as necessary, sometimes for one memory, you may have to do it or you may feel you need to do it more often. If those feelings of guilt come up for you, take a look. Investigate them more. Why is it you feel guilty for it now? Especially you're trying to heal it?

[0:14:39] 
What is it that you can do? How can you release that guilt? Things like meditating journaling, speaking to someone about it is always, always good connecting with other women. Because believe me, you are not the only one who carries guilt for something that you said or did in and around. Raising your kids, connecting with your child too, to heal those memories can do wonders for them now and as adults.

[0:15:02]
By working to repair everything, you can clear your conscience, help your child heal, and let go of the bad mama feelings. You may even feel lighter. You can then move forward feeling better. And this is what we're here for. This is one of the reasons I started this show, to support you in letting go of the stuff that is weighing you down. To know that you're a human. You make mistakes. You can learn from them and grow.

[0:15:26] 
Not everything we do is great. And chances are you've experienced some tough days. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you a person. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'm going to get all, like philosophical here and stuff. But life I don't know. Life, like parenting, is a flipping roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, turns and death defying drops. This is what makes it so, yeah, beautiful.

[0:15:52] 
So alive, so everything now. I hope you've enjoyed this show and that you now feel like you're a person. You're allowed to make mistakes, learn from them and be flipping awesome. If you have the bad mama blues that you just can't shake, please reach out to me for a chat. We are in this together. You deserve more from your life, and that includes the freedom that comes with knowing you're a fantastic mom.

[0:16:19] 
Remember to share this show with all the wonderful moms in your life. The more we tell our stories, the more we can connect and the more we can learn together. Thank you so much for listening and have a wonderful day!